This rose sheds its tears for all those lost to
Domestic Violence,those still victim,and
to those yet to become victim.
When Domestic Violence is stopped...
this rose will sparkle again with beauty....
and its tears will end.
I Got Flowers Today...
I got flowers today
It wasn't my birthday or any other special day.
We had our first argument last night,
and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me.
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said
because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day.
Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me.
It seemed like a nightmare,
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry,
Because he sent me....flowers today.
Last night he beat me up again.
And it was much worse then all the other times.
If I leave him what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids? What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave.
But I know he must be sorry,
because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of my funeral.
Last night he finally killed me.
He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him.
I would not have gotten flowers today.
This section of my website is dedicated to all women who
are, or who have been in an abusive relationship. There is
help and you don't have to take it. I was in an abusive marriage
myself, and even though it only lasted five months, it seemed like
an eternity. There are many types of abuse:
Emotional: Name-calling, putting down, insults, etc.
Sexual: Being forced into sexual contact
Intimidation: Gestures, looks, smashing things
Threats: "If you ... I'll kill you."
Isolation: Being kept from seeing or talking to
others, not allowed to go out
Ecconomic: Being given an allowance, not allowed to
have a job, etc.
Why Women Stay
One of the most frustrating things for people outside a
battering relationship is trying to understand why a
woman doesn't just leave. A recent letter to Dear Abby
on the subject was signed "Tired of Voluntary Victims."
The most important thing to keep in mind is that
extreme emotional abuse is always present in domestic
violence situations. On average, an abused woman will
leave her partner 6-8 times. The reasons they return or
stay in the relationship vary from case to case. Some
of these include:
Situational Factors
Ecconomic Dependence: How can she support herself and the
children?
Fear of greater physical danger to herself and her children
if they try to leave.
Fear of being hunted down and suffering a worse beating than
before.
Survival. Fear that her partner will follow her and kill her
if she leaves, often based on real threats by her partner.
Fear of emotional damage to the children.
Fear of losing custody of the children, often based on her
partner's remarks.
Lack of alternative housing; she has nowhere else to go.
Lack of job skills; she might not be able to get a job.
Social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends.
Social isolation resulting in lack of information about her alternatives.
Lack of understanding from family, friends, police, ministers, etc.
Negative responses from community, police, courts, social workers, etc.
Fear of involvement in the court process; she may have had bad
experiences before.
Fear of the unknown. "Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."
Fear and ambivalence over making formidable life changes.
"Acceptable violence". The violence escalates slowly over time.
Living with constant abuse numbs the victim so that she is unable
to recognize that she is involved in a set pattern of abuse.
Ties to the community. The children would have to leave their school,
she would have to leave all her friends and neighbors behind, etc.
For some women it would be like being in the Witness Protection
program--she could never have any contact with her old life.
Ties to her home and belongings.
Family pressure; because Mom always said, "I told you it wouldn't
work out." or "You made your bed, now you sleep in it."
Fear of her abuser doing something to get her (report her to
welfare, call her workplace, etc.)
Unable to use resources because of how they are provided
(language problems, disability, homophobia, etc.)
Time needed to plan and prepare to leave.
Emotional Factors
Insecurity about being alone, on her own; she's afraid she can't
cope with home and children by herself.
Loyalty. "He's sick; if he had a broken leg or cancer--I would
stay. This is no different."
Pity. He's worse off than she is; she feels sorry for him.
Wanting to help. "If I stay I can help him get better."
Fear that he will commit suicide if she leaves (often he's told her this).
Denial. "It's really not that bad. Other people have it worse."
Love. Often, the abuser is quite loving and lovable when he is
not being abusive.
Love, especially during the "honeymoon" stage; she remembers what
he used to be like.
Guilt. She believes--and her partner and the other significant others
are quick to agree--that their problems are her fault.
Shame and humiliation in front of the community. "I don't want anyone
else to know."
Unfounded optimism that the abuser will change.
Unfounded optimism that things will get better, despite all evidence
to the contrary.
Learned helplessness. trying every possible method to change something
in our environment, but with no success, so that we eventually expect
to fail. Feeling helpless is a logical response to constant resistance
to our efforts. This can be seen with prisoners of war, people taken
hostage, people living in poverty who cannot get work, etc.
False hope. "He's starting to do things I've been asking for."
(counseling, anger management, things she sees as a chance of improvement.)
Guilt. She believes that the violence is caused through some inadequacy
of her own (she is often told this); feels as though she deserves it for
failing.
Responsibility. She feels as though she only needs to meet some set
of vague expectations in order to earn the abuser's approval.
Insecurity over her potential independence and lack of emotional support.
Guilt about the failure of the marriage/relationship.
Demolished self-esteem. "I thought I was too (fat, stupid, ugly,
whatever he's been calling her) to leave."
Lack of emotional support--she feels like she's doing this on her own,
and it's just too much.
Simple exhaustion. She's just too tired and worn out from the abuse to leave.
Personal Beliefs
* Parenting, needing a partner for the kids. "A crazy father is
better than none at all."
* Religious and extended family pressure to keep the family
together no matter what.
* Duty. "I swore to stay married till death do us part."
* Responsibility. It is up to her to work things out and
save the relationship.
* Belief in the American dream of growing up and living happily ever after.
* Identity. Woman are raised to feel they need a partner--even
an abusive one--in order to to be complete or accepted by society.
* Belief that marriage is forever.
* Belief that violence is the way all partners relate (often
this woman has come from a violent childhood).
